improbability drive

Dear Sis,
At the threshold of this very important event in your life, I, your completely sane and socially well adjusted brother, who for some reason has earned the nickname “Dr Horrible“, am going to give you some fine tips on parenting, which you would do well to follow. I mean, who could be a better person for the job! So lets get right on to it.

Its all in the name:
Though the parental instinct is to pour your own thoughts, ideas, ambitions, eccentricities, geekiness, likes and dislikes into the kids name, you really shouldn’t. Give your kid too clever a name, and invariably, it will be shortened to something really embarrassing, and half the class will make fun of it. Its more or less a no win situation. You might give your kid a beautiful name like “Satyam” or “Hussein”, and it works like a charm for a while, but invariably, decades later, some corrupt company or some dictator comes along and totally ruins it for them.

Its okay to give them geeky nicknames, but do not forget to null terminate them. You don’t want to call your kid Exemelle_#$%#0*&^%HkG^!. And I’m telling you from experience, please do not use nicknames that just BEG to be slaughtered by evil siblings. That is just cruel.

Everyone is equal:
It is important to let your kid know that there is no difference between guys and girls. They are the same. Despite what the girls say. Girls aren’t really bad at driving — except when they are on the phone, and guys are very much capable of cleaning up — when they feel like it. Never let them feel that they are bad at something just because of their sex. Also, contrary to what some people would lead you to believe, you are judged you for who you are, and not what demographic you belong to.

Women do not always get what they want just by shedding a few tears, or simply by looking all cute and folksy. And when it comes to it, prejudices that you think to be too deep might not be all that deep after all. All it takes is hard work, competence and a healthy disregard for conventional wisdom. Which brings us to the next point…

It is okay to break the Rules:
Rules and conventions are for the weak. So Kids: you should know that rules are meant to be broken. Especially the ones set by your parents. You should always listen to your uncle though. Uncles have your best interests at heart. Your uncle isnt going to screw with your head simply because your mom was mean to him as a kid. And he isnt asking you to destroy mommy’s favorite dress because she always got better grades, it is because mommy loves the dress more than she loves you… and it has to be taken out of the way.

So basically, when it comes to rules, its a matter of knowing which ones to break and which ones to follow. Its more of a judgment call. Of course, your uncle is always there for you in case you cannot decide on your own. Also remember: Watching too much TV wont hurt your eyes, or your brain. Eating a cookie right before dinner wont kill your appetite either. And if it does, there’s always one coming along right behind it.

Facts of life:
Getting back to the parents again. Kids grow up faster than you think. And sometimes, they ask questions to which you have no easy answers. Sooner or later, they are going to start asking about the birds and the bees, the macs and the PCs. I suggest you wash your hands off the matter and let them find out on their own.

Just like names, its a battle you cant win. You tell them too soon, they are scarred for the rest of their lives. Tell them too late, and its… well, too late. Though its never too early to start telling your kids about how Open Source is so much better than closed source.

Always have a contingency plan:
I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Even if you do everything right, even if you follow all the advice I gave down to the last word, theres always a chance that something might just go wrong. In these cases, you need a contingency plan. You cannot just make it up at the last moment. You need to have this stuff planned from the begining. I suggest starting early, and sticking to the plan.

Depending oh how effective her uncle is, you will almost certainly face a situation where she — and others — need to be protected from herself. At that point, you will need to make some tough choices. On second thoughts, I should not have let that plan slip.

So there you go. Five solid tips about parenting from your brother. And remember, your brother has your best interests at heart. He would never screw with your head simply because your husband called him names.